Learning slowly.

       Im a bit of a princess, thats the sweet side of me. The King in me wants to rule the world just because i know i can. But why rule the world if your going to do it alone... no man or woman that made history did it without a lover by their side.  I cant rule the world alone. Ive come to a conclusion about love, which is the object of my fantasies, it seems that i am so obsessed with it because ive never had it... I though i have loved and that its something i want back in my life.... Wrong wrong wrong!!!!!  WRONG! I have let myself play with lovely ideas in my head that someone who i thought i loved cld love me. The problem is i dont really love him. Im just attracted him in every way..... basically he tickles my fancy lol. But the truth is, love seems so interesting because i have never been in love. There was a time in my life were i thought i was, honestly i loved him more than life its self. But im not sure that thats the love i cld love. It seems to me that love "real love" like a good and faithful man or woman is a dying breed. I whine about what love shld be how ppl should love. Why in the world wld i do that?!!! Ill tell you because of this idea that love shld be beautiful, but instead i see the ugly truth. I read books that are filled with beautiful ideas of love that can dance around in my head and ease the pain that being lonely causes. Every princess has a prince... Well i dont want a knight in shining armor, i just want someone to love me for me and nothing less.  We always want what we want when the want isnt interested, we crave the want cause it something we gotta have and something we dont have. Though the minute the want wants us back we move on to something less wanting... The challenge of the wanting of something we know will be a challenge to get is simple, its the want of something that doesnt want us back or isnt interested in us that makes us so wanting and wanted-Raven Thrasher. Every time I see you think of how strong that want for you in me grows. I just learned to put that blaze of a fire out. That shit burned inside me for years... Until a recent flame just sent my soul on fire. It  is all my fault that i led myself to think something wld happen.... I didnt know the difference between what i want and what i needed. I wanted what was bad for me, i needed you to be my friend. When your my friend he world seems like a much for friendly place. When you smiled your way back into my life i let go of all the hate i had built up towards you and many men after you, and its not that i needed to forgive you for something. I needed to forgive myself for everything. I wont allow myself to keep putting fantasies before my needs. A friend is all i needed from you and its all ill continue to need from you. Im happiest when im not worry over if your going to love. I dont want to be your Cinderella. I want to be the friend you turn to when you need advice. It has taken me years to figure that and it wont stick for long. Love is a commodity i cant afford to let go of, and i wont. Ill learn that the love of my friends is just as important as the love of another man.
      

hmmm a bit scattered id have to say

   Im happy in my world of pink and rainbow colors. They allow me to not think about hate and sadness that waits for people in reality. My world is my home and it allows me to think and love as i please. When i settle back into the real world, i have to worry about all the feelings like love, pain, hurt, and among many things life. My problem is that i have a tendency to worry about everything at once. How do people feel one emotion at a time?
   I want to.... Im not sure what it is that i want. Everything i think i want i work for and in the end when i get it, sometimes it does not seem worth it. People use to say god rewards those who work hard.....God.. well i have worked twice as hard as my siblings and still its not good enough. This life and its emotions are to much for me, my heart is unique and like a fairy i only have room for one emotion at a time.