My Problem

          My problem with life is that it is in fact to much to handle for me. Like living day to day not knowing what the next day holds for me is so stress. I know that I cant control it, I dont want to control it, I just want to know whats going to happen next. Lately I have had very bad suicidal thoughts and the only three reasons I have not acted on it is because, 1. My dad would never forgive me (which wouldnt matter if I was bead, but it bothers me knowing he wld be that hurt), 2 Joshua would be so hurt (but I tell him all the time how much I get tired of living life), 3 where would me dogs go? I have noticed that when ever I am considering dying my pups are extra loving ...its like they can sense how distraught and broken I am inside. Sure on the outside I seem "ok" but if you just asked how i am doing I would literally break down and loose myself in tears and emotions. I hate living life, and I despise it to the fullest. I hate that you always have make others happy, or the fact that money rules the world.
       Im not good at living life, what is the meaning of going through love just to be hurt or giving birth to someone thats just going to die anyways???I just want it all to end, and I understand that to some point living and dying is just the way it goes, but then why has to do all the stupid crap in between. I have some serious issues with life and the way it works. Im just ready  to have to stop worrying about the world and its problems..I think I am seeping into a major depression and it all started when I realized Joshua wanted to go to the air force. What made me mad was that his parents asked him if he was doing it for me, I would never ask that of someone,and the only reason I agreed to it was because it was what he wanted to do. At this point in time I wish i hadnt of said yes. Im no good alone, and i mean that in the sense of needing someone to be around to keep me from dying because everyday that I wake up is a fight I am having with myself to  want to wake up. I kow that one day I wont want to wake up

Pushing them all away

Lately I have been finding myself alone, or maybe its that being alone makes me feel extra lonely. Eating lunch alone, eating dinner alone upsets me a great deal because i tell myself that I should get use to being alone when in reality i shouldnt have to. I dont want to be alone because it makes me feel like depressed. I can be so pathetic when it comes to needing people. Im afraid to need someone so much that it hurts to be alone and thats where im at. I need to be mad at someone so I dont miss them when I leave them. Truth is I miss Josh my best friend, but he is just so mean and i feel like he judges the shit out of me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can only take him for a certain amount of time but the times when i needed him most he was always there and he dropped what he was doing to help me. There is no way i can repay for it so thats when we start fighting and then i go back to school and start missing him and I have to stay mad at him but its easy because he is so damn mean. Then there is my boyfriend joshua, since he broke my heart last spring he has changed so much. I want so much from people that I do the things i want them to do and then i get mad at them for wanting so much from me. Then i push them away like it was there fault. I just wish I didnt have to ask for the things, I want people to read my mind! You would think that things would be easier if the world and its problems just went away, but in reality things would get a lot worse if i didnt have anything to feel or deal with. I want more, I need their to be more so I cans stop beating myself up over nothing. Im just scared, tired and ...... well I need to lower my limit.

Im so tired

      Lately I have not been getting any sleep and i dont know why. I toss abnd turn andcant seem to get comfortale. I notice that I am not able relax much because my brain is thinking about everything . I cant seem to quiet my mind or its thoughts and that is causeing me to be restless. I need to learn howto relax just like i learned to deal with stress and over coming my prolems and not taking on other peoples problems. I cant even begin to tell you how difficult that was for me. 
       On the other hand my joshua has been great. We communicate so welll it amazes me at how much he changed. I keep thinking to myself that it was for me, but then i hope it wasnt because he has become the man i want to spend my life with. I am  his everything and he puts me before him all the time and his will to make things work just amazes me. 
How can  so much good happen to me when the pain is all that i thought i wld ever feel?

Making The Right Choice

So lately I have been having to make a lot of decisions for me and my education. Although I know I made all the right decisions for me and that disappointed a lot of people. But the problem is that those people only needed me and my talents to make them look good. They most definitely are not looking out for my future and I had to do the things I needed to do instead of the things I wanted to do. Sure it was a hard and I know its something I will momentarily be upset about but in the long run I will find out that it was the right thing to do. I dont think I should have to feel bad about making this choice for me when i have spent the last three years doing everything everyone asked of me and then some. For once I made a choice for myself and didnt allow anyone to sway my mind to what they wanted. Although I shouldnt feel bad and I do, but thats just in my nature and it that has got to stop because feeling guilty for this will weigh me down. Though all the guilt could be in my head and that as well has to stop.
  

Care a little more but show it a little less.

Well you know those times were you think you have fallen out of love with the one you loved the most.... It looks like  I havent and im not afraid to admit it, but its going to be awhile before i tell him i love him simply because I want things to work. My parents keep telling me to stay single and have fun but im not a casual sex kind of person. I like relationships and the good ones. I dont like the breaking up part because thats the hard part. I think what im going to do is technically be single but still be taken. I dont know, there are times when I like to be with someone and belong to someone. But then there ae those days when i cant stand men and want to be my own independent woman. Then there are the days were i miss my lover so bad that i want to cry. So im very bipolar on the couple love thing. I have always been that way, and i dont think its something i can change that easily. I am the marrying type, but there is just so much i want to do and dont know if being tied down is the way to go about it. I just dont like people telling me what to do or telling me i cant do something because thats when i want to do it even if i didnt want to do it before. Im so complicated, maybe I just like having options but i know that at this point in life i know i cant have options. 

Being in love with Anger

It took me years to figure out that i am in love with the most hostile men ever and that is because i am in love with danger and its sexy best friend anger. I love looking at men and knowing that have that wild dangerous side. I love to know that anything can happen and to be prepared for the worse. I figured that out when i fell in love with Bane while watch the dark knight rises this past weekend. I have a horrible temper, one i have learned to hide from people. I am finding that the more i hide it the more attracted i am anger in other men....Now that i have figured that out, as of today i accept full responsibility for the pain or so called heart break i though other men had caused me. I look at the crap that was done to me and i can honestly say that at one point i thought about doing the same horrible things, but i didnt because of my conscience! That darn thing that keeps me in check allllll thhheeee DAMN time. I have to start wanting better men in order to attract better men and not only that, i have to come to terms with the bad side of me and fix it.

Today is the Day

People say that life is what you make it, and I have to say that recently I have found that to be very true.

I am learning not to hold on to problems that have happened in the past. When I did I was constantly stressing and unhappy, and then the depression hit me. When I became depressed I got to the point of were i found it impossible for life to be enjoyed and worth living. Honestly I didnt know what to do with myself. School felt like hell, family problems seemed at their peek and well my health seemed to never get better. All those things seemed like hell on earth because i allowed them to. I let myself be vulnerable to all the bad, little crazy things that my life seems to have in it. No more! I am done being that old unhappy female. I miss the days were I laughed and smiled all day and when the bad things happened I took care of them and then that was that. That is what im going to go back to ! I will be positive and happy that way i attract positive and happy people. I seem to think that i have a beautiful soul and heart and I want to share it with the world with out wonder what bad could happen from it.