Why Am I ALive

At this very moment i am hating life and every living soul in it. I try to live day to day, because in the past thinking about the future screwed with my present there for changing my future. I dont know how i am alive, maybe my will to live is stronger than i think. I want to dig a hole deep in the earth and sit in it leaving my phone somewhere else. I shldnt be left alone with my mind, because while my mouth is shut my mind is talking away. It always has something to say. I would love to be left alone so all i can do is sit and cry. I have no idea why i am still alive. I cry all the time and when i thought my heart had completely broken, there are times when i can still feel pieces of it breaking when i sink lower into my deep hole of a depression. I want nothing more than to cause someone pain as pain was inflicted on me. I think it is complete bull shit that i am being punished with this virus. I wan to turn back the hands of time and take this all away by making a different choice. I want to be normal again, happy or even content. Why me? They say that god wldnt do something to someone if he knew they cldnt handle it. Well god i cant take this, this is right here is way to much. It drives me crazy. I dont know what to do. I want to know why i have  to live with this. I know there are tons of people living with this day to day, but i dont want to be among them. Im ashamed, disgusted, hurt, and im in so much mental pain. I feel so alone in this world, and i want someone to hold me and let me cry and not judge me. I feel like i have it stamped on my forehead! I feel like people look at me differently and i cant control it because in my mind even one knows. I want be able to not fake a smile or go a day with out crying because of how hurt i am. Im in a situation were no one i know or associate with can relate. Why am i alive? There are days that ware wonderful and then there are days that are filled with sadness, loneliness, and the never ending flow of tears and pity. Why Am I Alive