Grow Up Friend

Ok so the guy who was like my high school sweet heart is like now my friend. He is kind of a jerk and always has been. I think he has a crap life, because he is very talented but does not have the means to do the things he needs to. That includes being an adult. He is a free spirit and does what he wants when he wants not matter who it affects. I find that reckless and stupid. But it seems to suit him at ties. He is that guy that girls turn to when all hell breaks loose and a shoulder is needed to cry on but he has not problem with it till its me. I think he is a bad person when it comes to somethings and im sure he thinks the same of me. I just think he needs to make better use of himself because he is a useless friend with his crap attitude and lack of achievement or goals.

For A Minute

I use to think the goodbyes 

I miss you's were all worht the tears

leaving you was always a hard thing to hold in....

 It all found its way out

I thought this whole time i just needed to fidn you and love you

Now i found you and dont love you

You rock my world but thats not enough

This very minute i sit and i cry 

I cry for a minute for all the " I loves yous"

for a minute i cry for a ll the passion i felt for you

for another minute I wonder how happy we'd be.....

For just that one minute that passed by i realize you are not 

the guy i cried over just a minute ago....

Crying lets it all out loving you makes it a nightmare

The Ramblings of Me

Yes i know im a hypocrite

unfortunatly  Ill lie and telll you what you want to hear 

so you wont feel bad or get hurt 

Ill tell you it means nothing and you'll sigh with relief

Fortunatly for you, I taught myself how to espress 

these feelings i have in a new and different way

Hate use to be one way, now that the word forgivness 

has made its way back into my vocab I can pick apart my thoughts 

and choose which are worth exposing

Its amazing how a person can grow to not need anything to do with someone

Do you understand the want of the little girl?

I grew up after you... I watched all the mistakes made 

I'm rambling on about random ish, when the only thing that makes since outta

 all of this is you....

The fun, strange excitement you bring to me and my crazy boring life

With in reason I am willing to put the pain and love aside and be the one thing i only ever wanted 

which was to be your friend... A friend you can always count on

But it will not change the love i loved the most

I will learn what i need to but it will take time away form you.... Four years if hate didnt do shit!!!

Its Sweet

You want to know what i think is sweet...

Random calls to see how someone is doing

Staying in for a sappy love movie

Picking on me to make me laugh and smile

Trying to catch my attention when you shld know you already have it

Sending me smiles in a text messege

Telling me how much you miss me knowing i feel the same way

Listening to me whine about the world beingout to get me

Not letting me take the easy way out....

Calls in the morning just so i can wake up to a good morning

What can i say im a cheap date

I dont want someone with money

I want sweet...I want sappy.... I want random acts of love

Im easy that way

The Problem Is

I make problems out of bad situations... 

My daddy says i get frazzeleed over small things

I dont like problems and id like to take care of things before they get to big

My biggest problem is that i think i have to solve everything

and i feel that i ahve to do it alone 

But what i fail to see is that there are certain ppl you need to let in so they can help you

Its so hard understanding that

Im not sure why i dont like others helpingme

Part of me says it becasue if i fail,which the thought of failing somebody hurts, i fail them and myself

I refuse to do that.

I need a change or a new habbit

Year One

People get older and things change

Ill change in so many different ways

change hurts even if it is for the good

this year will be my biggest challenge

my parents, will be moving out of el paso soon

my baby sister will be going off to school

The place i called home for 19 years will be my home no more

the ppl i love and live for will no longer be here. So why come

back to this place that holds so many memories? Im not sure

I will have nothing but a few family left to make this place worthy of my presence

shit... change never hurt so much. Im never ready for change when its ready for me.

I need a reason to accept this crap change cause with out reason, im going to fight this

Bucket List

1. Graduate from school

2. Spend a whole day doing things for myself and no one else.*done

3.Go Hiking

4. Go camping 

5.Go to a Longhorn Game

6.See Skrillex live!!!!!*done

7.See Paramore in concert

8.Go to Italy

9. GO to Ireland 

10. Find out who i am and who i want to be * done

11. Adopt a child and make a difference in someones life*half done

12. take a tip to a random place*done

13. Let somebody love me*done

14. Be part of a flash mob

15. Go on a sailing trip with someone i trust

16.Go on a real date!!!*done

17. feel everything and give love.*done

18. Buy a bottle of Absinth 

19. Find religion

It Just Is

Im layin in bed with my hand rested ov3r my heart, feelin how hard its beating with its awkward rythem and I decide that if it was to stop, I wldnt feel anything. No pain, no sickness, no love, no happiness, no fear, no bored. I wldnt feel a thing. That thought its self is a scary feeling. I can't deal with everything at once as it decides to go bad. I need help. I need trust. I need love and the will to work things out. Im having trouble finding the raven that didn't shit get her down, smiling was the only option. Well I got sick of the always happy character and decided that I needed emotion to be felt and not that I feel it, im not sure I want it anymore. The will, the want, the health, and the smiles have all been washed away in a blink of an eye. Im lost with out a hand to hold. All I want is for someone to just hold my hand through this. Cuss im fianlly to the point of asking for help.