My Problem

          My problem with life is that it is in fact to much to handle for me. Like living day to day not knowing what the next day holds for me is so stress. I know that I cant control it, I dont want to control it, I just want to know whats going to happen next. Lately I have had very bad suicidal thoughts and the only three reasons I have not acted on it is because, 1. My dad would never forgive me (which wouldnt matter if I was bead, but it bothers me knowing he wld be that hurt), 2 Joshua would be so hurt (but I tell him all the time how much I get tired of living life), 3 where would me dogs go? I have noticed that when ever I am considering dying my pups are extra loving ...its like they can sense how distraught and broken I am inside. Sure on the outside I seem "ok" but if you just asked how i am doing I would literally break down and loose myself in tears and emotions. I hate living life, and I despise it to the fullest. I hate that you always have make others happy, or the fact that money rules the world.
       Im not good at living life, what is the meaning of going through love just to be hurt or giving birth to someone thats just going to die anyways???I just want it all to end, and I understand that to some point living and dying is just the way it goes, but then why has to do all the stupid crap in between. I have some serious issues with life and the way it works. Im just ready  to have to stop worrying about the world and its problems..I think I am seeping into a major depression and it all started when I realized Joshua wanted to go to the air force. What made me mad was that his parents asked him if he was doing it for me, I would never ask that of someone,and the only reason I agreed to it was because it was what he wanted to do. At this point in time I wish i hadnt of said yes. Im no good alone, and i mean that in the sense of needing someone to be around to keep me from dying because everyday that I wake up is a fight I am having with myself to  want to wake up. I kow that one day I wont want to wake up