Pushing them all away

Lately I have been finding myself alone, or maybe its that being alone makes me feel extra lonely. Eating lunch alone, eating dinner alone upsets me a great deal because i tell myself that I should get use to being alone when in reality i shouldnt have to. I dont want to be alone because it makes me feel like depressed. I can be so pathetic when it comes to needing people. Im afraid to need someone so much that it hurts to be alone and thats where im at. I need to be mad at someone so I dont miss them when I leave them. Truth is I miss Josh my best friend, but he is just so mean and i feel like he judges the shit out of me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can only take him for a certain amount of time but the times when i needed him most he was always there and he dropped what he was doing to help me. There is no way i can repay for it so thats when we start fighting and then i go back to school and start missing him and I have to stay mad at him but its easy because he is so damn mean. Then there is my boyfriend joshua, since he broke my heart last spring he has changed so much. I want so much from people that I do the things i want them to do and then i get mad at them for wanting so much from me. Then i push them away like it was there fault. I just wish I didnt have to ask for the things, I want people to read my mind! You would think that things would be easier if the world and its problems just went away, but in reality things would get a lot worse if i didnt have anything to feel or deal with. I want more, I need their to be more so I cans stop beating myself up over nothing. Im just scared, tired and ...... well I need to lower my limit.