The Dr Visit

Well you know that feeling where you feel like your life is a horrible mess and you have no idea how to fix it? Well thats how my life has been for the past two years due to men, love, school, music and my health. I remember a time when I thought things couldnt get worse and then they did, but i was always expecting things to be bad. I wasnt look for the bright side of anything. I just figured the high powered person up in heaven was picking on me for some strange reason. I see why i had to endure so much pain. I dont think it was fair but once the hard part was over... It made me stronger and it helped me figure out what and who i want to me. The Dr visit today went good, i dont know what i would do if it went bad i would have to buy a bottle of wine or something lol

A Chang Is Gonna Come

I have noticed that my mind is becoming more aware that I am going to make a change as to how i live my life and the people I allow in it. I think instead of complaining about how unfair my life seems to i need to do something about it. Im so use to feeling like the world is unfair and needs to change for the good and leave out all the bad. The world isnt all sunshine and rainbows like i want it to be and i feel like the hardships of this past year have seriously opened my eyes to what the world really is. Well i hope the world knows that I have the power to change so much and i will use that power to do what i can and get where i want to. I want so much in life yet i need to learn so much more in order to survive in this jungle of a world where you must eat in order to survive. My role in how the world works is so small that people dont even think twice when they look at me. I am changing the way i think and the way i live. That means i will not live in depression anymore, I will train myself to see the bright side to most situations. I will remind myself of the long term goals i will to accomplish and the short term goals I wish to achieve soon.

Knowing the Pain

Ive said it many times before so ill say it a couple more times. NO one and i repeat NO ONE told me how much pain life would cause along with living. I understand everyone has their own battles to fight but why do some have to endure physical and mental pain along with living? Why is it necessary for those who are good to suffer so much ? I dont know how to deal with all the dr visits and pain and procedures. My biggest fear is that all this will turn into cancer and I dont think as a person i want ti gi through that. Im not even sure i cant handle that. Today i had to go through a procedure to where it felt like someone was holding a light up against my skin for 48 seconds. Over and over and over and over. I had no idea what the procedure would feel like, but i am glad i didnt prepare myself for something better... I wish the world wasnt filled with horrible viruses and i wish people knew to get checked so they didnt give to someone else. Its the right thing to do. Knowing the pain of waht others have to go through and only being 22 while someone who is 16 or 11 or a baby has to go through something worse, makes me weep for those who suffer and are helpless against it.
World i am so sorry for the pain you have to go through and i dont know who is the cause behind it, but i am sorry for it all. You do not have to accept what is happening to you, if it was done to you then you wont accept it for a while, but i am still sorry it is happening to you and know that one day i will help you all in any kind of way i can.

Honestly

When I was in high school id always get frustrated and always say i wish everyone would go away for a day. I think if that happened i would be alone with my mind and then id be forced to deal with all the pent up problems i have stored away in some sealed tight vault. I tell myself that i dont think i want a relationship, that i dont want to get married and have children. Honestly thats what i really want, but i dont think i can have kids. Im 22 almost 23 and i want to have a special person in my life that i can always count on... For about four months i swore i knew who that would be and then it was all taken away from me and i dont know how to get it back. I wish all that didnt happen but it did. They say that you shouldnt hold the past against someone, but what if that past is what makes a person who they are? I tell my best friend that  i still see myself marrying him if he would just grow up! Problem is that i fell in love with him the first night we made love... My head kept screaming for me to tell him that i loved him and as i said it i knew i really felt it. I love him so much but im so lonely. I cant handle long distance relationships because i like to be taken care of and his family hates me. My parents dont trust him with my heart and he and i both know that they have every reason not to, but i still love him and miss him so much. All i do is miss him, but i would never let him know it because im afraid it will make me look weak. He loves me unconditionally and carelessly all i want is for him to stand up to his parents. If he cant defend me against his family then he cant stand up for me against the world. I still love him, i once told someone that im letting my future walk away from me because i cant let go of the past. I cant and honestly thats not going to change anytime soon. I dont want him to change i want him to grow up and see that he broke my heart right after i told him it was his to hold on to for the rest of our lives... Im a handful and i know it i dont pretend that im not, im a spoiled brat who loves to love others with every ounce of my heart, but once i have been hurt i make sure to never let the person do it again. Honestly I am still very much in love with you but i still feel you have not learned your lesson.

A bit of learnig

For a while it got to the point in my life where i didnt need a man, more like didnt want one. I feel like since I am such a successful female that men want to see what they can get out of me. For those who care to easy and love powerfully, well... those are the ones who fail and feel betrayed. In most cases it is our own faults but we are so stubborn and determined that we keep searching and pursing someone to share our kingdom with. I am the King of my own kingdom. Its become evident to me that i have already met the man im going to marry but since i cant have children well im not sure i want to get married anymore.

Alien of the mind

I need a new one, this body has grown insufficient
Its emotions have grown to be so soft and its heart is decaying into a lump f coal and nothingness of hollow black.
Its organs have been pumping viruse infused blood that could bring down a mans kingdom it need be.
Its tears have made crevices on my face that have darkened and have been made permanent
Why is this virus called life pulsating inside me, and causing my heart to shrivel into nothing and break into dust of speckled tiny virus to be spread to everyone else
My heart is in its final battle
One it does not want to even fight but the mindless creatures in this world insist that i keep fighting
I need a new one, this body has grown insufficient
Its fight is not as bright at it once was because the virus of life has made it weak and worthless.