Honestly

When I was in high school id always get frustrated and always say i wish everyone would go away for a day. I think if that happened i would be alone with my mind and then id be forced to deal with all the pent up problems i have stored away in some sealed tight vault. I tell myself that i dont think i want a relationship, that i dont want to get married and have children. Honestly thats what i really want, but i dont think i can have kids. Im 22 almost 23 and i want to have a special person in my life that i can always count on... For about four months i swore i knew who that would be and then it was all taken away from me and i dont know how to get it back. I wish all that didnt happen but it did. They say that you shouldnt hold the past against someone, but what if that past is what makes a person who they are? I tell my best friend that  i still see myself marrying him if he would just grow up! Problem is that i fell in love with him the first night we made love... My head kept screaming for me to tell him that i loved him and as i said it i knew i really felt it. I love him so much but im so lonely. I cant handle long distance relationships because i like to be taken care of and his family hates me. My parents dont trust him with my heart and he and i both know that they have every reason not to, but i still love him and miss him so much. All i do is miss him, but i would never let him know it because im afraid it will make me look weak. He loves me unconditionally and carelessly all i want is for him to stand up to his parents. If he cant defend me against his family then he cant stand up for me against the world. I still love him, i once told someone that im letting my future walk away from me because i cant let go of the past. I cant and honestly thats not going to change anytime soon. I dont want him to change i want him to grow up and see that he broke my heart right after i told him it was his to hold on to for the rest of our lives... Im a handful and i know it i dont pretend that im not, im a spoiled brat who loves to love others with every ounce of my heart, but once i have been hurt i make sure to never let the person do it again. Honestly I am still very much in love with you but i still feel you have not learned your lesson.