I write the way i feel, and i feel what i write.I have tons to say but it does not always come out when i want it to. So they minute i get the urge to write, i sit down in front of my computer. This is the one place where i can write what i want and not have to worry about ppl getting mad. In my world pink is the queen and freedom is the name of the game.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Pushing them all away
Lately I have been finding myself alone, or maybe its that being alone makes me feel extra lonely. Eating lunch alone, eating dinner alone upsets me a great deal because i tell myself that I should get use to being alone when in reality i shouldnt have to. I dont want to be alone because it makes me feel like depressed. I can be so pathetic when it comes to needing people. Im afraid to need someone so much that it hurts to be alone and thats where im at. I need to be mad at someone so I dont miss them when I leave them. Truth is I miss Josh my best friend, but he is just so mean and i feel like he judges the shit out of me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can only take him for a certain amount of time but the times when i needed him most he was always there and he dropped what he was doing to help me. There is no way i can repay for it so thats when we start fighting and then i go back to school and start missing him and I have to stay mad at him but its easy because he is so damn mean. Then there is my boyfriend joshua, since he broke my heart last spring he has changed so much. I want so much from people that I do the things i want them to do and then i get mad at them for wanting so much from me. Then i push them away like it was there fault. I just wish I didnt have to ask for the things, I want people to read my mind! You would think that things would be easier if the world and its problems just went away, but in reality things would get a lot worse if i didnt have anything to feel or deal with. I want more, I need their to be more so I cans stop beating myself up over nothing. Im just scared, tired and ...... well I need to lower my limit.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Im so tired
Lately I have not been getting any sleep and i dont know why. I toss abnd turn andcant seem to get comfortale. I notice that I am not able relax much because my brain is thinking about everything . I cant seem to quiet my mind or its thoughts and that is causeing me to be restless. I need to learn howto relax just like i learned to deal with stress and over coming my prolems and not taking on other peoples problems. I cant even begin to tell you how difficult that was for me.
On the other hand my joshua has been great. We communicate so welll it amazes me at how much he changed. I keep thinking to myself that it was for me, but then i hope it wasnt because he has become the man i want to spend my life with. I am his everything and he puts me before him all the time and his will to make things work just amazes me.
How can so much good happen to me when the pain is all that i thought i wld ever feel?
On the other hand my joshua has been great. We communicate so welll it amazes me at how much he changed. I keep thinking to myself that it was for me, but then i hope it wasnt because he has become the man i want to spend my life with. I am his everything and he puts me before him all the time and his will to make things work just amazes me.
How can so much good happen to me when the pain is all that i thought i wld ever feel?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Making The Right Choice
So lately I have been having to make a lot of decisions for me and my education. Although I know I made all the right decisions for me and that disappointed a lot of people. But the problem is that those people only needed me and my talents to make them look good. They most definitely are not looking out for my future and I had to do the things I needed to do instead of the things I wanted to do. Sure it was a hard and I know its something I will momentarily be upset about but in the long run I will find out that it was the right thing to do. I dont think I should have to feel bad about making this choice for me when i have spent the last three years doing everything everyone asked of me and then some. For once I made a choice for myself and didnt allow anyone to sway my mind to what they wanted. Although I shouldnt feel bad and I do, but thats just in my nature and it that has got to stop because feeling guilty for this will weigh me down. Though all the guilt could be in my head and that as well has to stop.
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