Bucket List

1. Graduate from school

2. Spend a whole day doing things for myself and no one else.*done

3.Go Hiking

4. Go camping 

5.Go to a Longhorn Game

6.See Skrillex live!!!!!*done

7.See Paramore in concert

8.Go to Italy

9. GO to Ireland 

10. Find out who i am and who i want to be * done

11. Adopt a child and make a difference in someones life*half done

12. take a tip to a random place*done

13. Let somebody love me*done

14. Be part of a flash mob

15. Go on a sailing trip with someone i trust

16.Go on a real date!!!*done

17. feel everything and give love.*done

18. Buy a bottle of Absinth 

19. Find religion

It Just Is

Im layin in bed with my hand rested ov3r my heart, feelin how hard its beating with its awkward rythem and I decide that if it was to stop, I wldnt feel anything. No pain, no sickness, no love, no happiness, no fear, no bored. I wldnt feel a thing. That thought its self is a scary feeling. I can't deal with everything at once as it decides to go bad. I need help. I need trust. I need love and the will to work things out. Im having trouble finding the raven that didn't shit get her down, smiling was the only option. Well I got sick of the always happy character and decided that I needed emotion to be felt and not that I feel it, im not sure I want it anymore. The will, the want, the health, and the smiles have all been washed away in a blink of an eye. Im lost with out a hand to hold. All I want is for someone to just hold my hand through this. Cuss im fianlly to the point of asking for help.

I am living my life as if I have the world and my life its self to loose. I haven't any other choice. I must carry on with my life as if everything is grand and ok. My siblings are lucky, a couple of them live life with drugs in their veins and no money in there pockets. I have to struggle and strive for every ounce of success i want to achieve. I guess that is better than having things handed to me. I dont think i have a bad life, but it would be nice to have life slow down and bad things stop happining to me. All the things that are going on in my life make me a better person and teach me to rise above any struggle that comes my way. I want to keep moving forward with everything but there are so many things that continue to hold me back i let hold me back.

The Break Up Day

Today I left the guy I love, he became to much for me. They say that if yo love someone then you will go through anything for them.... But if they love you then they wouldnt put you through hell and back. Why is it so hard to be content with just being near the one you love? Why do people mistake greed and jealousy for love? These are the things im going to think about over the next couple of years. I dont understand love, nor will i try to, but for the mean time i wld like some quietness. I think i might stay single for awhile, and live my life the way i want to and not have to worry about hurting someone or beaking their beart. I am my own person, i dont need a man to be happy.

Why Am I ALive

At this very moment i am hating life and every living soul in it. I try to live day to day, because in the past thinking about the future screwed with my present there for changing my future. I dont know how i am alive, maybe my will to live is stronger than i think. I want to dig a hole deep in the earth and sit in it leaving my phone somewhere else. I shldnt be left alone with my mind, because while my mouth is shut my mind is talking away. It always has something to say. I would love to be left alone so all i can do is sit and cry. I have no idea why i am still alive. I cry all the time and when i thought my heart had completely broken, there are times when i can still feel pieces of it breaking when i sink lower into my deep hole of a depression. I want nothing more than to cause someone pain as pain was inflicted on me. I think it is complete bull shit that i am being punished with this virus. I wan to turn back the hands of time and take this all away by making a different choice. I want to be normal again, happy or even content. Why me? They say that god wldnt do something to someone if he knew they cldnt handle it. Well god i cant take this, this is right here is way to much. It drives me crazy. I dont know what to do. I want to know why i have  to live with this. I know there are tons of people living with this day to day, but i dont want to be among them. Im ashamed, disgusted, hurt, and im in so much mental pain. I feel so alone in this world, and i want someone to hold me and let me cry and not judge me. I feel like i have it stamped on my forehead! I feel like people look at me differently and i cant control it because in my mind even one knows. I want be able to not fake a smile or go a day with out crying because of how hurt i am. Im in a situation were no one i know or associate with can relate. Why am i alive? There are days that ware wonderful and then there are days that are filled with sadness, loneliness, and the never ending flow of tears and pity. Why Am I Alive

A new year with him

The man on the video, is the man i love. I sit here wondering what he is thinking about... He is usally thinking about me and vice versa. Is it weird to not want to go to sleep cuss you dont want to miss that person face? I wish every moment of my day was spent with him......His touch is electricity. The heat and electricity is enough to power a whole city. I love him and everything about him. It has only been two weeks and i already have given my heart away to him and i pray to the god i have shown little faith to over the past years, that i have given it away for the last time. I wld give my life if it meant he cld be mine.... Some how i feel like thats what love is. This, what me and him have, is amazing. One day i didnt know him and the next i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
How can that be? How can someone come out of nowhere and knock me off my feet?! I am the worst at love..... I have been told over and over again that i am an unlovable girl.... Apprently someone was horribly wrong.This man loves me and my career choice, he is crazy about me. And i am nuts about him. there isnt anything the world i want more than to be his forever, there isnt a question in my mind and heart that he is the one. the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with, At first i was worried about him hurting, and worried that i was to bad for him. He thinks im perfect but i am far from it... very far from it... But he is addicting..he is my own brand of heroin and i am hooked. I dont ever want to stop loving him or being his. 
When me and him are together its as if the world stops and allows us to love each other in every way. The passion that happens when we are in the same room is enough to ignite a forest fire. Its beyond magic to me and all of it makes me happier than heck.

There will never be peace

When your little no one tells you that life gets harder. No one  tells you that friends and loved ones wont always be around. No one explains that we all walk around with expiration dates tattooed on our hearts. I dont want someone to hold my hand, but i wld like things to calm down. Id rather die then have to live in this crappy world full of pain and hurt.I dont understand why ppl are so afraid of dying. Silence, stillness of darkness. The feeling of no more hurt and disappointment makes death seem like the most peaceful place on earth.How can you tell me im wrong when you've never tried it. I hear praying to a god you've never seen is bad for you cause then you begin to think he is going to cure everything for you..... I dont knock anyones religion, but what i dont like is that ppl think there is only one way to live your life... To be continued.