The Break Up Day

Today I left the guy I love, he became to much for me. They say that if yo love someone then you will go through anything for them.... But if they love you then they wouldnt put you through hell and back. Why is it so hard to be content with just being near the one you love? Why do people mistake greed and jealousy for love? These are the things im going to think about over the next couple of years. I dont understand love, nor will i try to, but for the mean time i wld like some quietness. I think i might stay single for awhile, and live my life the way i want to and not have to worry about hurting someone or beaking their beart. I am my own person, i dont need a man to be happy.

Why Am I ALive

At this very moment i am hating life and every living soul in it. I try to live day to day, because in the past thinking about the future screwed with my present there for changing my future. I dont know how i am alive, maybe my will to live is stronger than i think. I want to dig a hole deep in the earth and sit in it leaving my phone somewhere else. I shldnt be left alone with my mind, because while my mouth is shut my mind is talking away. It always has something to say. I would love to be left alone so all i can do is sit and cry. I have no idea why i am still alive. I cry all the time and when i thought my heart had completely broken, there are times when i can still feel pieces of it breaking when i sink lower into my deep hole of a depression. I want nothing more than to cause someone pain as pain was inflicted on me. I think it is complete bull shit that i am being punished with this virus. I wan to turn back the hands of time and take this all away by making a different choice. I want to be normal again, happy or even content. Why me? They say that god wldnt do something to someone if he knew they cldnt handle it. Well god i cant take this, this is right here is way to much. It drives me crazy. I dont know what to do. I want to know why i have  to live with this. I know there are tons of people living with this day to day, but i dont want to be among them. Im ashamed, disgusted, hurt, and im in so much mental pain. I feel so alone in this world, and i want someone to hold me and let me cry and not judge me. I feel like i have it stamped on my forehead! I feel like people look at me differently and i cant control it because in my mind even one knows. I want be able to not fake a smile or go a day with out crying because of how hurt i am. Im in a situation were no one i know or associate with can relate. Why am i alive? There are days that ware wonderful and then there are days that are filled with sadness, loneliness, and the never ending flow of tears and pity. Why Am I Alive

A new year with him

The man on the video, is the man i love. I sit here wondering what he is thinking about... He is usally thinking about me and vice versa. Is it weird to not want to go to sleep cuss you dont want to miss that person face? I wish every moment of my day was spent with him......His touch is electricity. The heat and electricity is enough to power a whole city. I love him and everything about him. It has only been two weeks and i already have given my heart away to him and i pray to the god i have shown little faith to over the past years, that i have given it away for the last time. I wld give my life if it meant he cld be mine.... Some how i feel like thats what love is. This, what me and him have, is amazing. One day i didnt know him and the next i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
How can that be? How can someone come out of nowhere and knock me off my feet?! I am the worst at love..... I have been told over and over again that i am an unlovable girl.... Apprently someone was horribly wrong.This man loves me and my career choice, he is crazy about me. And i am nuts about him. there isnt anything the world i want more than to be his forever, there isnt a question in my mind and heart that he is the one. the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with, At first i was worried about him hurting, and worried that i was to bad for him. He thinks im perfect but i am far from it... very far from it... But he is addicting..he is my own brand of heroin and i am hooked. I dont ever want to stop loving him or being his. 
When me and him are together its as if the world stops and allows us to love each other in every way. The passion that happens when we are in the same room is enough to ignite a forest fire. Its beyond magic to me and all of it makes me happier than heck.

There will never be peace

When your little no one tells you that life gets harder. No one  tells you that friends and loved ones wont always be around. No one explains that we all walk around with expiration dates tattooed on our hearts. I dont want someone to hold my hand, but i wld like things to calm down. Id rather die then have to live in this crappy world full of pain and hurt.I dont understand why ppl are so afraid of dying. Silence, stillness of darkness. The feeling of no more hurt and disappointment makes death seem like the most peaceful place on earth.How can you tell me im wrong when you've never tried it. I hear praying to a god you've never seen is bad for you cause then you begin to think he is going to cure everything for you..... I dont knock anyones religion, but what i dont like is that ppl think there is only one way to live your life... To be continued. 

Learning slowly.

       Im a bit of a princess, thats the sweet side of me. The King in me wants to rule the world just because i know i can. But why rule the world if your going to do it alone... no man or woman that made history did it without a lover by their side.  I cant rule the world alone. Ive come to a conclusion about love, which is the object of my fantasies, it seems that i am so obsessed with it because ive never had it... I though i have loved and that its something i want back in my life.... Wrong wrong wrong!!!!!  WRONG! I have let myself play with lovely ideas in my head that someone who i thought i loved cld love me. The problem is i dont really love him. Im just attracted him in every way..... basically he tickles my fancy lol. But the truth is, love seems so interesting because i have never been in love. There was a time in my life were i thought i was, honestly i loved him more than life its self. But im not sure that thats the love i cld love. It seems to me that love "real love" like a good and faithful man or woman is a dying breed. I whine about what love shld be how ppl should love. Why in the world wld i do that?!!! Ill tell you because of this idea that love shld be beautiful, but instead i see the ugly truth. I read books that are filled with beautiful ideas of love that can dance around in my head and ease the pain that being lonely causes. Every princess has a prince... Well i dont want a knight in shining armor, i just want someone to love me for me and nothing less.  We always want what we want when the want isnt interested, we crave the want cause it something we gotta have and something we dont have. Though the minute the want wants us back we move on to something less wanting... The challenge of the wanting of something we know will be a challenge to get is simple, its the want of something that doesnt want us back or isnt interested in us that makes us so wanting and wanted-Raven Thrasher. Every time I see you think of how strong that want for you in me grows. I just learned to put that blaze of a fire out. That shit burned inside me for years... Until a recent flame just sent my soul on fire. It  is all my fault that i led myself to think something wld happen.... I didnt know the difference between what i want and what i needed. I wanted what was bad for me, i needed you to be my friend. When your my friend he world seems like a much for friendly place. When you smiled your way back into my life i let go of all the hate i had built up towards you and many men after you, and its not that i needed to forgive you for something. I needed to forgive myself for everything. I wont allow myself to keep putting fantasies before my needs. A friend is all i needed from you and its all ill continue to need from you. Im happiest when im not worry over if your going to love. I dont want to be your Cinderella. I want to be the friend you turn to when you need advice. It has taken me years to figure that and it wont stick for long. Love is a commodity i cant afford to let go of, and i wont. Ill learn that the love of my friends is just as important as the love of another man.
      

hmmm a bit scattered id have to say

   Im happy in my world of pink and rainbow colors. They allow me to not think about hate and sadness that waits for people in reality. My world is my home and it allows me to think and love as i please. When i settle back into the real world, i have to worry about all the feelings like love, pain, hurt, and among many things life. My problem is that i have a tendency to worry about everything at once. How do people feel one emotion at a time?
   I want to.... Im not sure what it is that i want. Everything i think i want i work for and in the end when i get it, sometimes it does not seem worth it. People use to say god rewards those who work hard.....God.. well i have worked twice as hard as my siblings and still its not good enough. This life and its emotions are to much for me, my heart is unique and like a fairy i only have room for one emotion at a time.

Ramblings of me

Im not mad, i  just cant let my self think to much....
Id rather be asleep were my dreams became my world and my slumber shaded my insecure thoughts
I write when ever my head is to full with words and phrases that i want to share with the world. I dont understand why that is a problem....
Writing about what you feel and why you feel it helps a persons mind to grow.. At least thats what i think
Why is it sooooo freaking hard to find someone to relate to.
Im stuck on this idealistic thought of love when all i want is the sappy 1940's music style love...When sitting around on a date was the thing to do...Sharing a coke float was cute.... when getting your date home beforeit got to late was the polite thing for a dude to do... That may sound lame to some ppl, but to me thats good old fashion love... Back in the those days, love cld last 69 yrs till death do them part...
Its not about with whom ill love its about when... A person can go years think they'll be alone and when that person comes along how will they know it is love.... I dont believe in god enough to say leave it to him....