Pushing them all away

Lately I have been finding myself alone, or maybe its that being alone makes me feel extra lonely. Eating lunch alone, eating dinner alone upsets me a great deal because i tell myself that I should get use to being alone when in reality i shouldnt have to. I dont want to be alone because it makes me feel like depressed. I can be so pathetic when it comes to needing people. Im afraid to need someone so much that it hurts to be alone and thats where im at. I need to be mad at someone so I dont miss them when I leave them. Truth is I miss Josh my best friend, but he is just so mean and i feel like he judges the shit out of me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can only take him for a certain amount of time but the times when i needed him most he was always there and he dropped what he was doing to help me. There is no way i can repay for it so thats when we start fighting and then i go back to school and start missing him and I have to stay mad at him but its easy because he is so damn mean. Then there is my boyfriend joshua, since he broke my heart last spring he has changed so much. I want so much from people that I do the things i want them to do and then i get mad at them for wanting so much from me. Then i push them away like it was there fault. I just wish I didnt have to ask for the things, I want people to read my mind! You would think that things would be easier if the world and its problems just went away, but in reality things would get a lot worse if i didnt have anything to feel or deal with. I want more, I need their to be more so I cans stop beating myself up over nothing. Im just scared, tired and ...... well I need to lower my limit.

Im so tired

      Lately I have not been getting any sleep and i dont know why. I toss abnd turn andcant seem to get comfortale. I notice that I am not able relax much because my brain is thinking about everything . I cant seem to quiet my mind or its thoughts and that is causeing me to be restless. I need to learn howto relax just like i learned to deal with stress and over coming my prolems and not taking on other peoples problems. I cant even begin to tell you how difficult that was for me. 
       On the other hand my joshua has been great. We communicate so welll it amazes me at how much he changed. I keep thinking to myself that it was for me, but then i hope it wasnt because he has become the man i want to spend my life with. I am  his everything and he puts me before him all the time and his will to make things work just amazes me. 
How can  so much good happen to me when the pain is all that i thought i wld ever feel?

Making The Right Choice

So lately I have been having to make a lot of decisions for me and my education. Although I know I made all the right decisions for me and that disappointed a lot of people. But the problem is that those people only needed me and my talents to make them look good. They most definitely are not looking out for my future and I had to do the things I needed to do instead of the things I wanted to do. Sure it was a hard and I know its something I will momentarily be upset about but in the long run I will find out that it was the right thing to do. I dont think I should have to feel bad about making this choice for me when i have spent the last three years doing everything everyone asked of me and then some. For once I made a choice for myself and didnt allow anyone to sway my mind to what they wanted. Although I shouldnt feel bad and I do, but thats just in my nature and it that has got to stop because feeling guilty for this will weigh me down. Though all the guilt could be in my head and that as well has to stop.
  

Care a little more but show it a little less.

Well you know those times were you think you have fallen out of love with the one you loved the most.... It looks like  I havent and im not afraid to admit it, but its going to be awhile before i tell him i love him simply because I want things to work. My parents keep telling me to stay single and have fun but im not a casual sex kind of person. I like relationships and the good ones. I dont like the breaking up part because thats the hard part. I think what im going to do is technically be single but still be taken. I dont know, there are times when I like to be with someone and belong to someone. But then there ae those days when i cant stand men and want to be my own independent woman. Then there are the days were i miss my lover so bad that i want to cry. So im very bipolar on the couple love thing. I have always been that way, and i dont think its something i can change that easily. I am the marrying type, but there is just so much i want to do and dont know if being tied down is the way to go about it. I just dont like people telling me what to do or telling me i cant do something because thats when i want to do it even if i didnt want to do it before. Im so complicated, maybe I just like having options but i know that at this point in life i know i cant have options. 

Being in love with Anger

It took me years to figure out that i am in love with the most hostile men ever and that is because i am in love with danger and its sexy best friend anger. I love looking at men and knowing that have that wild dangerous side. I love to know that anything can happen and to be prepared for the worse. I figured that out when i fell in love with Bane while watch the dark knight rises this past weekend. I have a horrible temper, one i have learned to hide from people. I am finding that the more i hide it the more attracted i am anger in other men....Now that i have figured that out, as of today i accept full responsibility for the pain or so called heart break i though other men had caused me. I look at the crap that was done to me and i can honestly say that at one point i thought about doing the same horrible things, but i didnt because of my conscience! That darn thing that keeps me in check allllll thhheeee DAMN time. I have to start wanting better men in order to attract better men and not only that, i have to come to terms with the bad side of me and fix it.

Today is the Day

People say that life is what you make it, and I have to say that recently I have found that to be very true.

I am learning not to hold on to problems that have happened in the past. When I did I was constantly stressing and unhappy, and then the depression hit me. When I became depressed I got to the point of were i found it impossible for life to be enjoyed and worth living. Honestly I didnt know what to do with myself. School felt like hell, family problems seemed at their peek and well my health seemed to never get better. All those things seemed like hell on earth because i allowed them to. I let myself be vulnerable to all the bad, little crazy things that my life seems to have in it. No more! I am done being that old unhappy female. I miss the days were I laughed and smiled all day and when the bad things happened I took care of them and then that was that. That is what im going to go back to ! I will be positive and happy that way i attract positive and happy people. I seem to think that i have a beautiful soul and heart and I want to share it with the world with out wonder what bad could happen from it.

The Dr Visit

Well you know that feeling where you feel like your life is a horrible mess and you have no idea how to fix it? Well thats how my life has been for the past two years due to men, love, school, music and my health. I remember a time when I thought things couldnt get worse and then they did, but i was always expecting things to be bad. I wasnt look for the bright side of anything. I just figured the high powered person up in heaven was picking on me for some strange reason. I see why i had to endure so much pain. I dont think it was fair but once the hard part was over... It made me stronger and it helped me figure out what and who i want to me. The Dr visit today went good, i dont know what i would do if it went bad i would have to buy a bottle of wine or something lol

A Chang Is Gonna Come

I have noticed that my mind is becoming more aware that I am going to make a change as to how i live my life and the people I allow in it. I think instead of complaining about how unfair my life seems to i need to do something about it. Im so use to feeling like the world is unfair and needs to change for the good and leave out all the bad. The world isnt all sunshine and rainbows like i want it to be and i feel like the hardships of this past year have seriously opened my eyes to what the world really is. Well i hope the world knows that I have the power to change so much and i will use that power to do what i can and get where i want to. I want so much in life yet i need to learn so much more in order to survive in this jungle of a world where you must eat in order to survive. My role in how the world works is so small that people dont even think twice when they look at me. I am changing the way i think and the way i live. That means i will not live in depression anymore, I will train myself to see the bright side to most situations. I will remind myself of the long term goals i will to accomplish and the short term goals I wish to achieve soon.

Knowing the Pain

Ive said it many times before so ill say it a couple more times. NO one and i repeat NO ONE told me how much pain life would cause along with living. I understand everyone has their own battles to fight but why do some have to endure physical and mental pain along with living? Why is it necessary for those who are good to suffer so much ? I dont know how to deal with all the dr visits and pain and procedures. My biggest fear is that all this will turn into cancer and I dont think as a person i want ti gi through that. Im not even sure i cant handle that. Today i had to go through a procedure to where it felt like someone was holding a light up against my skin for 48 seconds. Over and over and over and over. I had no idea what the procedure would feel like, but i am glad i didnt prepare myself for something better... I wish the world wasnt filled with horrible viruses and i wish people knew to get checked so they didnt give to someone else. Its the right thing to do. Knowing the pain of waht others have to go through and only being 22 while someone who is 16 or 11 or a baby has to go through something worse, makes me weep for those who suffer and are helpless against it.
World i am so sorry for the pain you have to go through and i dont know who is the cause behind it, but i am sorry for it all. You do not have to accept what is happening to you, if it was done to you then you wont accept it for a while, but i am still sorry it is happening to you and know that one day i will help you all in any kind of way i can.

Honestly

When I was in high school id always get frustrated and always say i wish everyone would go away for a day. I think if that happened i would be alone with my mind and then id be forced to deal with all the pent up problems i have stored away in some sealed tight vault. I tell myself that i dont think i want a relationship, that i dont want to get married and have children. Honestly thats what i really want, but i dont think i can have kids. Im 22 almost 23 and i want to have a special person in my life that i can always count on... For about four months i swore i knew who that would be and then it was all taken away from me and i dont know how to get it back. I wish all that didnt happen but it did. They say that you shouldnt hold the past against someone, but what if that past is what makes a person who they are? I tell my best friend that  i still see myself marrying him if he would just grow up! Problem is that i fell in love with him the first night we made love... My head kept screaming for me to tell him that i loved him and as i said it i knew i really felt it. I love him so much but im so lonely. I cant handle long distance relationships because i like to be taken care of and his family hates me. My parents dont trust him with my heart and he and i both know that they have every reason not to, but i still love him and miss him so much. All i do is miss him, but i would never let him know it because im afraid it will make me look weak. He loves me unconditionally and carelessly all i want is for him to stand up to his parents. If he cant defend me against his family then he cant stand up for me against the world. I still love him, i once told someone that im letting my future walk away from me because i cant let go of the past. I cant and honestly thats not going to change anytime soon. I dont want him to change i want him to grow up and see that he broke my heart right after i told him it was his to hold on to for the rest of our lives... Im a handful and i know it i dont pretend that im not, im a spoiled brat who loves to love others with every ounce of my heart, but once i have been hurt i make sure to never let the person do it again. Honestly I am still very much in love with you but i still feel you have not learned your lesson.

A bit of learnig

For a while it got to the point in my life where i didnt need a man, more like didnt want one. I feel like since I am such a successful female that men want to see what they can get out of me. For those who care to easy and love powerfully, well... those are the ones who fail and feel betrayed. In most cases it is our own faults but we are so stubborn and determined that we keep searching and pursing someone to share our kingdom with. I am the King of my own kingdom. Its become evident to me that i have already met the man im going to marry but since i cant have children well im not sure i want to get married anymore.

Alien of the mind

I need a new one, this body has grown insufficient
Its emotions have grown to be so soft and its heart is decaying into a lump f coal and nothingness of hollow black.
Its organs have been pumping viruse infused blood that could bring down a mans kingdom it need be.
Its tears have made crevices on my face that have darkened and have been made permanent
Why is this virus called life pulsating inside me, and causing my heart to shrivel into nothing and break into dust of speckled tiny virus to be spread to everyone else
My heart is in its final battle
One it does not want to even fight but the mindless creatures in this world insist that i keep fighting
I need a new one, this body has grown insufficient
Its fight is not as bright at it once was because the virus of life has made it weak and worthless.

Grow Up Friend

Ok so the guy who was like my high school sweet heart is like now my friend. He is kind of a jerk and always has been. I think he has a crap life, because he is very talented but does not have the means to do the things he needs to. That includes being an adult. He is a free spirit and does what he wants when he wants not matter who it affects. I find that reckless and stupid. But it seems to suit him at ties. He is that guy that girls turn to when all hell breaks loose and a shoulder is needed to cry on but he has not problem with it till its me. I think he is a bad person when it comes to somethings and im sure he thinks the same of me. I just think he needs to make better use of himself because he is a useless friend with his crap attitude and lack of achievement or goals.

For A Minute

I use to think the goodbyes 

I miss you's were all worht the tears

leaving you was always a hard thing to hold in....

 It all found its way out

I thought this whole time i just needed to fidn you and love you

Now i found you and dont love you

You rock my world but thats not enough

This very minute i sit and i cry 

I cry for a minute for all the " I loves yous"

for a minute i cry for a ll the passion i felt for you

for another minute I wonder how happy we'd be.....

For just that one minute that passed by i realize you are not 

the guy i cried over just a minute ago....

Crying lets it all out loving you makes it a nightmare

The Ramblings of Me

Yes i know im a hypocrite

unfortunatly  Ill lie and telll you what you want to hear 

so you wont feel bad or get hurt 

Ill tell you it means nothing and you'll sigh with relief

Fortunatly for you, I taught myself how to espress 

these feelings i have in a new and different way

Hate use to be one way, now that the word forgivness 

has made its way back into my vocab I can pick apart my thoughts 

and choose which are worth exposing

Its amazing how a person can grow to not need anything to do with someone

Do you understand the want of the little girl?

I grew up after you... I watched all the mistakes made 

I'm rambling on about random ish, when the only thing that makes since outta

 all of this is you....

The fun, strange excitement you bring to me and my crazy boring life

With in reason I am willing to put the pain and love aside and be the one thing i only ever wanted 

which was to be your friend... A friend you can always count on

But it will not change the love i loved the most

I will learn what i need to but it will take time away form you.... Four years if hate didnt do shit!!!

Its Sweet

You want to know what i think is sweet...

Random calls to see how someone is doing

Staying in for a sappy love movie

Picking on me to make me laugh and smile

Trying to catch my attention when you shld know you already have it

Sending me smiles in a text messege

Telling me how much you miss me knowing i feel the same way

Listening to me whine about the world beingout to get me

Not letting me take the easy way out....

Calls in the morning just so i can wake up to a good morning

What can i say im a cheap date

I dont want someone with money

I want sweet...I want sappy.... I want random acts of love

Im easy that way

The Problem Is

I make problems out of bad situations... 

My daddy says i get frazzeleed over small things

I dont like problems and id like to take care of things before they get to big

My biggest problem is that i think i have to solve everything

and i feel that i ahve to do it alone 

But what i fail to see is that there are certain ppl you need to let in so they can help you

Its so hard understanding that

Im not sure why i dont like others helpingme

Part of me says it becasue if i fail,which the thought of failing somebody hurts, i fail them and myself

I refuse to do that.

I need a change or a new habbit

Year One

People get older and things change

Ill change in so many different ways

change hurts even if it is for the good

this year will be my biggest challenge

my parents, will be moving out of el paso soon

my baby sister will be going off to school

The place i called home for 19 years will be my home no more

the ppl i love and live for will no longer be here. So why come

back to this place that holds so many memories? Im not sure

I will have nothing but a few family left to make this place worthy of my presence

shit... change never hurt so much. Im never ready for change when its ready for me.

I need a reason to accept this crap change cause with out reason, im going to fight this

Bucket List

1. Graduate from school

2. Spend a whole day doing things for myself and no one else.*done

3.Go Hiking

4. Go camping 

5.Go to a Longhorn Game

6.See Skrillex live!!!!!*done

7.See Paramore in concert

8.Go to Italy

9. GO to Ireland 

10. Find out who i am and who i want to be * done

11. Adopt a child and make a difference in someones life*half done

12. take a tip to a random place*done

13. Let somebody love me*done

14. Be part of a flash mob

15. Go on a sailing trip with someone i trust

16.Go on a real date!!!*done

17. feel everything and give love.*done

18. Buy a bottle of Absinth 

19. Find religion

It Just Is

Im layin in bed with my hand rested ov3r my heart, feelin how hard its beating with its awkward rythem and I decide that if it was to stop, I wldnt feel anything. No pain, no sickness, no love, no happiness, no fear, no bored. I wldnt feel a thing. That thought its self is a scary feeling. I can't deal with everything at once as it decides to go bad. I need help. I need trust. I need love and the will to work things out. Im having trouble finding the raven that didn't shit get her down, smiling was the only option. Well I got sick of the always happy character and decided that I needed emotion to be felt and not that I feel it, im not sure I want it anymore. The will, the want, the health, and the smiles have all been washed away in a blink of an eye. Im lost with out a hand to hold. All I want is for someone to just hold my hand through this. Cuss im fianlly to the point of asking for help.

I am living my life as if I have the world and my life its self to loose. I haven't any other choice. I must carry on with my life as if everything is grand and ok. My siblings are lucky, a couple of them live life with drugs in their veins and no money in there pockets. I have to struggle and strive for every ounce of success i want to achieve. I guess that is better than having things handed to me. I dont think i have a bad life, but it would be nice to have life slow down and bad things stop happining to me. All the things that are going on in my life make me a better person and teach me to rise above any struggle that comes my way. I want to keep moving forward with everything but there are so many things that continue to hold me back i let hold me back.

The Break Up Day

Today I left the guy I love, he became to much for me. They say that if yo love someone then you will go through anything for them.... But if they love you then they wouldnt put you through hell and back. Why is it so hard to be content with just being near the one you love? Why do people mistake greed and jealousy for love? These are the things im going to think about over the next couple of years. I dont understand love, nor will i try to, but for the mean time i wld like some quietness. I think i might stay single for awhile, and live my life the way i want to and not have to worry about hurting someone or beaking their beart. I am my own person, i dont need a man to be happy.

Why Am I ALive

At this very moment i am hating life and every living soul in it. I try to live day to day, because in the past thinking about the future screwed with my present there for changing my future. I dont know how i am alive, maybe my will to live is stronger than i think. I want to dig a hole deep in the earth and sit in it leaving my phone somewhere else. I shldnt be left alone with my mind, because while my mouth is shut my mind is talking away. It always has something to say. I would love to be left alone so all i can do is sit and cry. I have no idea why i am still alive. I cry all the time and when i thought my heart had completely broken, there are times when i can still feel pieces of it breaking when i sink lower into my deep hole of a depression. I want nothing more than to cause someone pain as pain was inflicted on me. I think it is complete bull shit that i am being punished with this virus. I wan to turn back the hands of time and take this all away by making a different choice. I want to be normal again, happy or even content. Why me? They say that god wldnt do something to someone if he knew they cldnt handle it. Well god i cant take this, this is right here is way to much. It drives me crazy. I dont know what to do. I want to know why i have  to live with this. I know there are tons of people living with this day to day, but i dont want to be among them. Im ashamed, disgusted, hurt, and im in so much mental pain. I feel so alone in this world, and i want someone to hold me and let me cry and not judge me. I feel like i have it stamped on my forehead! I feel like people look at me differently and i cant control it because in my mind even one knows. I want be able to not fake a smile or go a day with out crying because of how hurt i am. Im in a situation were no one i know or associate with can relate. Why am i alive? There are days that ware wonderful and then there are days that are filled with sadness, loneliness, and the never ending flow of tears and pity. Why Am I Alive

A new year with him

The man on the video, is the man i love. I sit here wondering what he is thinking about... He is usally thinking about me and vice versa. Is it weird to not want to go to sleep cuss you dont want to miss that person face? I wish every moment of my day was spent with him......His touch is electricity. The heat and electricity is enough to power a whole city. I love him and everything about him. It has only been two weeks and i already have given my heart away to him and i pray to the god i have shown little faith to over the past years, that i have given it away for the last time. I wld give my life if it meant he cld be mine.... Some how i feel like thats what love is. This, what me and him have, is amazing. One day i didnt know him and the next i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
How can that be? How can someone come out of nowhere and knock me off my feet?! I am the worst at love..... I have been told over and over again that i am an unlovable girl.... Apprently someone was horribly wrong.This man loves me and my career choice, he is crazy about me. And i am nuts about him. there isnt anything the world i want more than to be his forever, there isnt a question in my mind and heart that he is the one. the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with, At first i was worried about him hurting, and worried that i was to bad for him. He thinks im perfect but i am far from it... very far from it... But he is addicting..he is my own brand of heroin and i am hooked. I dont ever want to stop loving him or being his. 
When me and him are together its as if the world stops and allows us to love each other in every way. The passion that happens when we are in the same room is enough to ignite a forest fire. Its beyond magic to me and all of it makes me happier than heck.